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Shitbag says "Read these blogs or I will claw you!"
Our Motto:
If it ain't absurd, its definitely not Kentucky Fried
Quote of the Day
Yoda of Borg, I am. Grammar irrelevant is. Assimilated you will be!
Jokes of the Day
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear."Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?""I don't have any.""Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?""Ninety three.""Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:"It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor.""Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!"
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."Johnny is even madder than before.Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear."Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?""I don't have any.""Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?""Ninety three.""Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:"It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor.""Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!"
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."Johnny is even madder than before.Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
The Kentucky Fried
About Me
- Trent
- Kentucky, United States
- I am a veteran, a former stand up comic, political field coordinator, author, computer teacher, photo lab tech, chef, and a whole host of other jobs with inflated titles and levels of entitlement.
Shitbag says "Read these blogs or I will claw you!"
Previous Quote of the Day
Woody Allen"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
Mae West"I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far."
Mark Twain
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."
H. L. Mencken
"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public."
George Bernard Shaw
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
Mae West"I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far."
Mark Twain
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."
H. L. Mencken
"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public."
George Bernard Shaw
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
Previous Jokes of The Day
Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal.""Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?""Of course" says the first.The second farmer continued: "and if you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?""Absolutely""So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?""Ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ``I`m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."The man was very upset and yelled, ``You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn`t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.``The brother thought about it and apologized."So how`s Mom?" asked the man."She`s on the roof and won`t come down."
A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?""Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts."
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door."Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door."Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
A little girl finds her dog dead with his legs in the air and she asks her dad why it's like that.Dad says: "It has died and it's like that so jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven."The next day girl says to dad: "Mom nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting: 'Oh Jesus, I'm coming, I'm coming and if the milkman hadn't been holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"
A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather short tempered with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly."Who was that?" asked the Rabbi."Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy drinks it down in one."Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must happened"."I came home early today," answered the guy, "went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend!"The bartender pours the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The guy gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife?"The guy answers: "Yea, I walked up to her, told her we're through, pack your bag's and get out, I told her!""What about your friend?" asks the bartender."I looked him straight in the eye and said: Bad Dog!"
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"The cop asked, "What's he like?"The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ``I`m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."The man was very upset and yelled, ``You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn`t come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.``The brother thought about it and apologized."So how`s Mom?" asked the man."She`s on the roof and won`t come down."
A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?""Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts."
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door."Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door."Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
A little girl finds her dog dead with his legs in the air and she asks her dad why it's like that.Dad says: "It has died and it's like that so jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven."The next day girl says to dad: "Mom nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting: 'Oh Jesus, I'm coming, I'm coming and if the milkman hadn't been holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"
A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather short tempered with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset with you when you cut them short yesterday."At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly."Who was that?" asked the Rabbi."Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy drinks it down in one."Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must happened"."I came home early today," answered the guy, "went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend!"The bartender pours the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The guy gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife?"The guy answers: "Yea, I walked up to her, told her we're through, pack your bag's and get out, I told her!""What about your friend?" asks the bartender."I looked him straight in the eye and said: Bad Dog!"
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"The cop asked, "What's he like?"The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.